The client who increased her motivation

Sandra 31, from London had been having constant issues with motivation. I had been coaching her to understand that the best way to motivate herself was to have focus, structure and great organisation so motivation wasn’t something she needed to think about, it was just part of her everyday life.

“I find I can be really motivated and focused for a short period of time but then I fall off and find it hard to get back on that motivational track. I then feel bad about myself and then even more demotivated. I’ve always suffered with this vicious cycle and am keen to break it for good!”

Here are some of the techniques we created together to help Sandra make motivation part of her life for good:

1. Structure

It’s hard to have structure for everything but it’s good to create a strong routine as much as possible so you take the thinking and analysis out of actions. The idea is to spend less time debating whether you should do something or not and just do it!

2. 5 minute rule

Try working for 5 minutes and you’ll find that after 5 minutes you’re probably happy to do a further 5, keep going like this and aim for a 45 minute block with a 15 minute break.

3. Purpose

Understand what the purpose is behind those duller tasks you need to do and see how they will lead into your overall achievement. This will help you to understand their purpose again and why you should do them.

4. Exercises

Taking regular exercise can help you with motivation as moving your body activates your brain.

5. Mini goals

Set yourself mini goals but “chunking up”, otherwise a task can feel huge and unmanagable

6. Blocks

Understand what your fears or blocks are to not doing a task. Hidden fears and anxieties can stop you getting your real work completed. Confront these fears and deconstruct them so you can move on from them.

7. Visualise

Start your day by seeing yourself completing everything you want to do. Get excited about it and make sure you have a reward waiting once the daily tasks have been completed.

8. Environment

Where you work is really important. It has to be inspiring. Make sure your computer and equipment all work well – inefficiencies all lead to motivation being killed. Small annoying problems end up becoming bigger and bigger and have a cumulative overall negative affect on performance.

9. People

Having the right people around you to bounce off is important for aiding motivation.

10. Success

Success creates success. Take every success and remember it. Even small compliments can raise motivation levels so use them when you slip into slumps to help spur you on.

 

“The coaching with Rebekah has been great. Ive started to be more aware when I’m slipping into my motivational slumps and now have created an effective plan to get myself out of them.”

The client who realised she was attractive

Sandra, 35, came to me 3 months ago. She was getting through the upset of her husband’s affair and had made the decision to leave him and start divorce proceedings. She had got over the initial shock and had a good idea of how she wanted her life to look in the future.

However, this experience had left her with some nasty side effects. As well as losing her confidence, she just didn’t feel like an attractive woman anymore, which was stopping her having the courage to get out there an meet new people, including men.

“I just don’t feel attractive to the opposite sex anymore. I’ve had 3 kids and don’t really look my best. When I was dating and met Robert I was 25 and looked a lot different!”

The big problem was that Sandra was fixated on the way she looked aesthetically, rather than concentrating on what was great and beautiful about her on the inside first.

Together we worked on cultivating her inner feelings of attractiveness and gorgeousness. Then we were able to start looking at the way she dressed, did her make-up, etc.

Here are some of the techniques and discoveries Sandra made about herself: -

1. Think yourself attractive

You are only as attractive as you think you are. If you don’t think you look good then it’s going to be hard for other people to see you as attractive. Believing in yourself is a great start as then you’ll start respecting and taking more care of yourself.

2. Never see a man out of your league

By believing others are too good for you, you’re doing yourself a great disservice.

3. Gorgeousness is not just about the way you look

Being attractive doesn’t necessarily correlate with how good looking you are. There are a lot of unattractive people who could be considered good looking. Attractiveness comes from confidence, being funny, living life to the full, being radiant and talking passionately about things. There are many and different opportunities for you to develop your attractiveness levels.

4. Rediscover your attractive qualities

Make a list if all your unique and outstanding qualities and make sure people get a sense of these qualities when you interact with them. Who are you and what do you stand for. Make it as positive, confident and strong as you can. Inspire people with your life and who you are.

5. Who inspires you?

Think about those people you find attractive and that inspire you. What qualities do they have and are there any that really appeal to you that you could add to your qualities list? Compliment them and accept any compliments you receive – and believe them.

6. Dress well

Now you’ve worked on your inner attractiveness levels don’t waste it all by dressing yourself down. Dress confidently and sexily. Look after your appearance by going for facials, regular haircuts, etc. This will all add fuel to your overall feelings of gorgeousness.

7. Do something daring

Decide on one thing that scares you and that you wouldn’t normally do. Maybe it’s going up and flirting with someone in a bar, or even just making eye contact. Choose something that’s going to push you and as a result add extra notches to your confidence and attractiveness levels.

8. Be elusive

Once you start dating again don’t be in a desperate hurry to be liked by everyone and give everything away. Being elusive and a little bit inaccessible is very attractive and shows a real independent and confidence.

Remember, it’s not just whether they like you, but whether you like them too! They also need to fit into your criteria for an ideal partner.

“I’ve come such a long way in 3 months. When I found out about my ex husband’s affair I didn’t really see how id ever move on, but I have and I feel great. I rediscovered how I am and just how attractive I am. I’ve also rediscovered that I’m quite a natural flirt.”

The client who became more assertive and confident

Tracey, 31 from London, has come a really long way.

When she first came to see me she knew she was lacking in assertiveness but her excuse for not wanting to change was that she was worried about people seeing her as arrogant. However, once I helped her see how her lack of assertive behaviour was affecting her she realised that it was causing problems in all areas of her life and ultimately making her unhappy.

“People are always taking of advantage of me, my friends, family and work colleagues. I know it’s my fault as I allow them to see me as a push over. I’m a nice person though and I don’t like to let people down. However, I find that I don’t have time for myself as I’m always helping other people out”

After having a couple of sessions with Tracey we together agreed that she needed to start putting herself first and not feeling guilty or worried if she wasn’t able to help one of her friends, or family members out. She also had to start saying “no” more at work.

Here are some of the assertiveness techniques we developed together and Tracey put into practice: -

1. Clear communication

When communicating your opinion, complaint, etc ensure that you are being direct, clear and precise.

Take responsibility

2. Don’t shy away from the point you want to make or action you want to take. Commit to it and take full responsibility. For example, say “I think” rather than “we think”.

Don’t apologise when you don’t need to

3. Don’t apologise before or after you talk to someone about something as again this takes away any strength or emphasis from you.

Use strong verbal and body language

4. Use the correct tone of voice and body language when talking. For example, don’t talk into yourself or have a tremble in your voice. Maintain eye contact and use a solid strong voice but with a normal volume.

Are you being listened to?

5. Check with people that they have listened to what you have said by encouraging them to summaries your opinion, complaint, request, etc. Don’t allow people to make excuses for having misunderstood and stick to what you’ve said.

Get out your comfort zone

6. Don’t avoid particular people or situations that you don’t feel confident in. In fact push yourself into as many of these situations as possible and practice your new assertive self. If there are certain people you find difficult to approach then walk up to them confidently and smile at them before you start talking.

Stick to the facts

7. Being assertive doesn’t mean making things up to support your opinions, complaints etc. You should stick to the facts and not exaggerate. It’s good to be seen as objective rather than emotional.

Keep it objective

8. When you’re in a difficult situation with people then don’t make personal references. For example, don’t say “I find you really annoying”, say instead “Please refrain from talking to me like that.”

Observe assertive role models

9. Watch assertive people and pick up words, tones, body language that you think makes them successful at being assertive. Keep a list of these attributes and add them to your own portfolio.

Reward yourself

10. Each time you’re successfully assertive note this down and reward yourself. Try and exhibit your new assertive behaviour so much that people start giving you feedback. This is your ultimate reward! Also, don’t get disheartened when you’re not successful. Just realise where you went wrong and correct it next time.

“I love the new assertive me. I get more done, in less time and feel really good about myself. I’ve realised I need to look after myself first and then I’m in a even better place to help others.”

The client who learnt to control her moods linked to unhealthy eating habits

Tania, 32 from Birmingham found that her eating was at the mercy of how she was feeling. She’d have good days when she felt happy but then the slightest bad, unhappy mood would make her turn to comfort foods such as chocolate, apple pie and custard.

“I do really well for a couple of weeks and then if something bad happens at work or I have a row with my partner I just give up and go back to my bad habits.”

Here are some of the discoveries and techniques we put in place so Tania could get control of her bad eating once and for all:-

1. Understand your emotional relationship with food

We often reach for comfort foods (chocolate, cake, biscuits) when we feel low but we can also reach for celebratory foods when we achieve something. When writing your food diary note down how you feel when you eat certain foods before and after. Understanding where your associations come from and knowing that they are learnt so they can be unlearnt is important.

2. Diversion

When you know your emotional triggers try a bit of diversion therapy. Therefore, next time you feel down don’t reach for a biscuit go and have a jog, have a relaxing bath, put on some music and dance.

3. Temptations

Know when you’re temptations appear in you life e.g. before bed, lunchtime in the office, after a few drinks. Understanding your situational triggers mean you can control your environment more effectively.

4. Enjoy eating

Eat slowly and don’t eat on the run. Chew your food and really taste it. Use all your senses and this will help to achieving higher satisfaction levels.

5. Don’t ever feel hungry

Eat little and often so you don’t feel hungry and feel the urge to consume something fatty.

6. The scales!

Don’t keep looking at the scales- it becomes an obsession. Its more about your fat percentage anyway.

7. Be calm

If you’re feeling stressed then designate a “calm place” at home/work and go there when it’s getting too much. Take 10 diaphragmatic breaths and engage in some healthy self talk. It is also much better to eat when you’re feeling calm as this aids your digestion and feelings of satisfaction.

8. Sleep

Stress levels are shown to decrease the more sleep you get. Go to bed 30 mins earlier than normal and aim to get 7- 8 hours a night. Also, sleep is closely related to your BMI.

9. Control

Work at feeling in control of your life (not being controlling). Release any guilt or blame you are experiencing and forgive yourself. It’s hard to be in control when you also feel like a victim. When you know what you can and cant control you will also find your stress levels lower.

10. Let the new habits sink in

It takes about 3 weeks for new behaviours to become habitual – part of your unconscious, so trust that they will sink in.

“I’m feeling so much better about myself. I understand how my mind work much better and can clearly see my triggers now which make me reach for those comfort foods. I’m so much happier.”

Introduction to the Rebekah Fensome Wellbeing blog

Welcome to my Wellbeing blog

I’ve been working in wellbeing for 6 years and as a professional Life Coach, Business Coach, Counsellor, Clinical Hypnotherapist and yoga teacher I understand that looking after your MIND is just as important as looking after your BODY as well as understanding what kind of FUEL your BODY needs to function efficiently.

We understand the importance of getting our hair cut, teeth checked at the dentist but we don’t always consider checking in and looking after our MIND.

My private practice Rebekah Fensome Wellbeing offers you therapists to look after your MIND BODY FUEL. I work with some very talented to people to ensure the whole of your wellbeing is looked after.

I’ve also created a unique Wellbeing Retreat called JUST STOP! This personalised and tailored retreat incorporates yoga, life coaching, hypnotherapy, cranio-sacral massage, reflexology, reiki, sound healing, drumming and other amazing MIND BODY FUEL therapies to really allow you to let go and STOP so you can go back to your life after the retreat equipped with the know how to make permanent changes for the better.

My blog will give you some useful tips and techniques in all areas of your life such as career, relationships and personal growth. This is a great taster to how I work with clients.

You can also visit my website at www.rebekahfensomelifecoach.com which gives a comprehensive outline of the different therapies I offer.

The client who got through her fear of dating

My client Sandra, 31, an accountant from Liverpool has done so well getting over her fear of dating.

After three dateless years she was beginning to believe that men saw her more as a friend than a potential date. With a successful career as the youngest partner in her firm she didn’t lack confidence. However, work had become her comfort zone and she was hiding behind it rather than working on her relationship life. She told me that she wanted to change this and that her friend had arranged a blind date with her boyfriend’s friend in two weeks time. She was terrified. “I’m so nervous. I’m meeting him in 2 weeks and think I will have to cancel as I know he wont be interested. No-one really finds me attractive and I wont know what to talk about.”

I worked with Sandra on a couple of quick wins for her first date in two weeks. It went well but she still had lots of work to do to ensure she became confident and well practiced at the dating game. Here are some of the techniques we worked on to make sure she had her phone ringing after every future date:-

 

1. Self talk

Make a list of all the negative beliefs you have about yourself and make them positive. For example, if you’ve said, “I don’t think I’m very attractive” change this to “I’m very attractive”. This now becomes a positive affirmation and you should aim to say these aloud everyday until you start actually believing them. This is a powerful technique as you are literally talking to your subconscious where all your negative beliefs about yourself are stored.

 

2. What’s your agenda?

 

Before going on your date you should decide what you want out of the experience; fun, long term partner? Decide what perception you want the other person to have of you and what one thing you want them to remember about you.

 

3. Work on your inner beauty

 

It may be a cliché but beauty really does come from the inside. It is not just about aesthetics. If you think someone is too good looking for you, think again, as they may not be very nice inside! Before you start dating make sure you have inner strength and are backing yourself 100%. This inner confidence will then shine through and make you glow from the inside out.

4. Make yourself feel good

 

Once you’ve worked on your inner confidence, don’t undermine this by not dressing for success. Wear things that make you feel confident and sexy. Also, spend time on yourself. Go to the hairdressers, gym, go for massages and eat the right food. Sounds simple but most of us just don’t do it. Looking after yourself tells you that you have respect for yourself.

 

5. Don’t put yourself down

 

Observe how you talk about yourself. Don’t use sentences like “I’ve never been any good at…” I’ve always been so clumsy at…” “I always look a mess…”. You can say these phrases without thinking, but they’re the worse kind as within a second of saying them you have undone all your good work by telling yourself and others that you don’t really rate yourself. The biggest turn off on a date is when someone talks about their imperfections. It’s not interesting or cute – it’s just boring and makes the other person feel awkward.

 

6. Boost your confidence

 

Confidence is perceived as being one of the most attractive traits in an individual. Give yourself a confidence booster by flirting with someone in a bar or go out for dinner on your own and make eye contact with people, or do something that you would never normally dream of doing.

 

7. Don’t give the game away

People who tell their whole life story in one go quickly lose all their mystery and interest. So don’t give the whole game away, as it makes you less attractive. This includes the obvious of not talking about past relationships. Don’t feel as if you need to be doing all the talking. You are more powerful as a listener rather than babbling on to fill space.

 

“I love dating and can’t believe I was so scared of it for so long. The only trouble I have now is fitting all my dates in. It’s quite tiring this dating lark! I’m still looking for Mr Right but don’t doubt that I wont meet him soon. My confidence has soared.”

The client who got through a tough break up

I’m so proud of my client Susan, a 30-year-old TV producer from London. She’s just got through a nasty break up with her partner of 8 years and is now looking to the future.

Six months ago she came to me not knowing what to do with her life. She had been with her partner since University and they had the same set friends and were as close to each others families as they were to their own. How could she move on and forget about him after so many great experiences and so much shared history? He had broken up with her so she felt she’d lost control: “I’m not in control of my life anymore. Everything was like a completed jigsaw and now one of the biggest pieces are missing. I can’t believe he has wrecked something that was so good.”

Together we explored her anger and feeling of loss of control and began to make some headway. After a course of fifteen sessions spread over six months she learnt how to get the control back and discover what she wanted from her future. Here are some of the coaching techniques that Susan used to help her gain the clarity to move on:

1. Face up to it

Firstly, you have to accept your break up. Explore and express your feelings by writing them down. Release your negative emotions in a letter to your ex expressing your pain and hurt. You don’t have to send it, and if you do you shouldn’t expect a reply, but either way it should have a cathartic effect and make you feel you’ve dealt with those feelings. This technique is also useful to alleviate guilty feelings after instigating a break up because once your emotions are out in the open then it’s easier to deal with them. Taking control of your emotions like this will help you feel less afraid of the future.

2. The past is the past

Don’t dwell on what has happened. Write a list of all the positive things you’ve learnt from this past relationship and then just put it down to experience. Make the commitment to move on with your life. Say a positive affirmation to yourself everyday until you start believing it or until it actually happens, e.g., “I am someone with a great relationship life.”

3. Reframe the situation

Visualise this break up as a new exciting phase in your life where you have the opportunity to root out new people. This is not the end but the beginning of something great!

4. Get rid of the ex

I don’t mean hiring a hit-man, but removing all traces of them from around you, e.g. photos, toothbrush, that present they bought you last Christmas, emails, letters, texts, maybe even his number if you are practically able. You don’t have to burn or dump anything (if you don’t want to) but keep them in a box in a cellar or somewhere out of reach while you get yourself back on your “relationship feet.” You may also want to redecorate and buy new furniture, especially a new bed and bedding.

5. What do you want?

Make a list of what you are looking for in your next partner.  Decide what you won’t tolerate in a new relationship and how you want to be treated. Don’t compromise on this and don’t think anyone is out of your league. You may need to build your confidence, self image and self esteem back up but do it. Don’t settle but don’t also go too far the other way and see no one as a possible next suitor.

6. Work on yourself

As stated above you need to ensure that your confidence levels are high, as this is one of the most attractive traits to have. Develop your confidence and self-image by identifying what’s holding you back and deciding how to deal with it. You’ll also have to rediscover how to flirt and be great at dating (see my column next week for some great techniques on this).

7. The future is bright

Make preparations to move on with the rest of your life in a positive and constructive way Put support structures and practical things in place to help you build your new life. For example, you may want to join some dating agencies/websites, let all your friends know you are ready for dating, etc. Get excited about your new future with all its amazing possibilities and ensure you create as many opportunities for yourself as possible. Be happy with the philosophy, “If it feels scary then do it!”

“It wasn’t easy getting over this, but I worked hard and with Rebekah there to help me see that there was something exciting to look forward to, without Tony being there by my side, I’m now unstoppable. In fact I’m looking forward to seeing who my new lover will be and truly believe my new life will be even better.”